I am a forty nine years single childless woman. That is because so far I was not able to build a long-term solid relationship with a man with whom I wished to form a family. I did want family and children and one may say is a way that I chose not to. And yes, in a way I chose not to. I could have settled for a guy who was just good enough or I could have chosen a donor and become a single mom. Thus, in this sense I chose not to become a mother.
Instead, I chose to understand why it was so difficult for me to form solid relationships when I never lacked admirers, when there were men who apparently wanted the same thing that I did. Why I was not able to find the one when I spent most of my time and energy in search of the one? Why I could not find the one when I felt with all my heart that I would give anything to make it happen?
Instead of settling, I chose the difficult path of healing, I chose to dig in the mess of my past and pull out, one by one, all the thorns from my body that made the world look like such a dangerous place to me. I chose to try and correct the broken patterns that I have inherited from my parents’ very difficult relationship; I chose not to pass down my genes and instead stop toxic behaviors that kept me single for so many years.
I chose to ask questions that were never asked before in my family, I chose to question everything that was accepted and considered normal in my environment; I chose to stop accepting a treatment that no longer served me and I chose to build boundaries where there were none. I chose to be free to make my own decisions in life according to my own values; I chose to prioritize alignment with the deeper earning of my soul and face social disapproval.
I would lie if I’d say it was easy; on the contrary; there were times when I doubted myself and my decisions; there were times when I wish I’d just fitted in like everyone else. There were times when I wish for a simple comfortable boring family life in my hometown.
But I know now that I would have not been happy. And most certain I would have not felt fulfilled.
And I have stopped comparing myself to others who seemed to have done much better than me because I know we have a different start. While my life may seemed unfulfilled at the surface, I know I have achieved great progress on the depth. My achievements in this life are on the underwater part of the iceberg.
Thus today I took a conscious decision to make peace with my past and with my choices. I know now that I took the right decisions despite my life not having turned out the way I wanted to, the way I dreamed about. And that gives me peace and in a way I feel happy and fulfilled.
Because I chose to accept myself and that gave me the courage to walk paths that were never walked before; I chose to be different and sometimes a loner. I chose to walk away from a familiar that did not serve my growth and instead to choose my tribe in alignment with whom I wanted to become. I chose to seek alignment with my soul and to learn the lessons I came here to learn. And that, the lessons for me in this life, I did not chose; and least not after I was born.
Personally I believe that we do have free will, in the sense of deciding how we react to situations in life and the decisions we make. However, I do not think we choose the situations that life throws our way. We may choose how we react in each situation and we have a choice only if we are conscious that we have this choice. Because until we learn this, we are condemned to make over and over the same choice and sure enough the situations will repeat as well; not a as punishment but in order to wake-up and realize that we have a choice; in order to realize that we are more than a body and the mind and to become aware of the greatness of our own spirit. So that we become aware that we are part of something bigger and mysterious and way for complex to understand with a materialist-reductionist mind.
And that is a blessing, as long as one is able to see it and embrace it!
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Thank you a Mihaela for sharing this story! It takes courage to go out of the safe and familiar space and walk your own path! It takes courage also to recognize that you made those choices and not be a victim. Your story is very inspirational!